I want to write this very personal blog today about the afterlife of being bullied. As a small little girl I was victim of daily bullying myself, therefore this message is very close to my heart.
This blog I want to dedicate to mothers and fathers of children who can still teach their children to not bully or the parents who have a child that is being bullied and to people who have been bullied and struggle with self-confidence in the post-school years.
Never have I ever felt good enough
When I was a little girl I became a victim of bullying quite fast. Why is this? This was because I was a very innocent, playful and sensitive child. I had no clue why all the other children and people could be so mean to each other. I was the dreamy girl who envisioned that life should be all about love and being nice to one and another. In reality, this was not the case.
From a very young age, I struggled with identity problems. I wanted to play outside and be adventurous, but instead I was quite often “too much for others”. An easy victim I became for the children that were much more on the forefront.
Day in day out, I would have been ignored and/ or belittled. How can ever a healthy grown person be born from that you think? Your confidence is smashed into the ground daily. This is creating confusion on how to behave. If we do not teach children to accept everyone for who they are, this could be an end-result. In a way many of us have some sort of healing that needs to be healed from the past, either bully or being bullied, often this derives from an unhealthy family situation. But slowly awareness can be created, at least I am trying set a milestone here in my article.
Second phase: creating a wall around you
Yes, this is the phase that comes after bullying. This was the phase when I went into my teens. It is the phase where you realize how much you have been hurt and that it is easier to turn off any feelings that you possess. You come across to people as a hard shelf that can’t be broken. But in reality, we are just protecting ourselves from the outside world. The belief system is that everyone around you wants to hurt you. I want to provide you with these insights so you understand where people with a wall around them come from. They have been hurt and do not intent to be hurt again.
If you understand people and why they behave this way, it is easier to send them love and accept them for what it is. I was not very liked for who I was and it took me a long time to break the wall around me and accept people in. I could not believe anyone could ever love me. The most important question is here, how did I recover and how do you heal from a traumatic past?
The whole funny thing was, I never told anyone I was bullied. I was so ashamed of it. I lived alone with my mother and she had her own issues already, bothering someone else with my problems was not what I wanted.
Third phase: Observing humans
In my reality it was impossible for people to like me. I tried everything, but it did not seem to work.
The more I tried for people to like me, the more they run away and disliked me. What did I do wrong I thought? I spend a good few years observing people around me to understand the human brain and the behavior of everyone around me.
In a way I started copying what worked for other people which is off course not working. How can people like me if I imitate others? Observing was a way for me to understand what I was doing wrong? I started being the party person, because she must be liked isn’t it? It did come closer to who I truly am, because I love to have fun, but definitely not there yet. I was missing the essence of what went wrong.
Fourth phase: Life is not so bad
When I grew older and went to university and all. I started noticing the good things in life. I made friends and all was getting better. Still in a way I could not care for anything. Alcohol, cigarettes and all that was bad I was doing to myself, because in a way I didn’t value myself too much.
If I do not value myself, who would value me? If I only knew back then what I know now isn’t it? But right now I see the phases of a trauma. In the fourth phase I spend a great time on travelling, searching for meaning in life and travelling. I loved studying cultures, languages and anything marketing related. In this phase I have learned a great deal and it brought me closer to what truly makes me today.
Fifth phase: Embracing my true essence
I was born with spiritual gifts, was shifted into a spiritual awakening and I was very good at hiding it. Why am I hiding from the world? I started questioning everything and the awakening showed me, that I do not have to hide anymore. I can embrace who I am and if others do not, that is not my problem. This sounds very selfish, but it brought me to a much happier environment with the people I love to see in it.
When I broke my whole wall I have cried a great deal. All of what I hold stuck into my being had to go out. I decided to be myself for once, with no more hiding. No more pretending to be someone I am not. I am Michelle, fun, playful, traveler, philosopher of life, spiritual, creator of The Mindful Magazine which I love doing every single day. I came to know I am quite creative and I like to write and teach.
My whole experience of my past I can use in my writing now. I can see why some of us have to go through difficult times. It makes us who we are today. Strong people are strong because they have been through a great deal of things. Embrace strong people into your life. They can be your true healers. They have been there and can teach you on how to be positive again.
The true essence of healing is seeing and understanding why these trauma’s happen to you. Go back to your past rewrite it with why it has occurred and create it into something positive. Then, do not hold on to your past anymore, you do not need it for the future. You create your own reality and you are the master of your own life! You can change everything if you give permission and feeling to it.
Let people around you be!
You do not know who is going through what. I have done my healing work and I am so grateful and happy about it. Do not expect when you have healed yourself that others are reading for their healing.
With patience and grace you let people live their own paths. This I had to learn myself. I thought if I can heal myself, I can heal everyone around me. I spend to much time focusing on people who do not want to be healed yet. Therefore, I am offering my readings to everyone who is ready. Who wants a transformation in their lives. Who is not afraid to see all sides of themselves.
If you are ready? I can suggest you to be just yourself. Show people your vulnerability, your smile and all that you are. I have done the same and it has been the biggest relief of my life. Am I done with learning and healing? Definitely not, I am still on my path of eternal improvements and lessons. But, now I can see the fun ride in it and accept things as they come and go. I feel ready and grateful to tell you my story.
If you have an inspirational story, do not hesitate to contact me and I share it for you.
A beautiful day with much love and for the bullied ones, do not worry. Brighter days are on the horizon!